Beauty Instead of Madness

So you guys might be wondering (or maybe not) why I am suddenly so agog over beauty, makeup, etcetera and etcetera. No really, it’s all I’ve talked about in the last few posts, on Twitter and on Instagram (And for a few more posts to come, I must warn thee). Truth is, if you’ve known me long enough, you would know that this obsession, fascination and addiction to makeup goes a looooong way back. I started with makeup at a younger-than-average age and I will be into it ’til I’m old and grey.

But why the amplified fascination now? Why not from the beginning of the blog? Well here’s my confession: I need to focus my energy elsewhere or else I will be one hot mess. Because…

Basti is weaning.

*I will pause here because again, tears are beginning to flow*

I first started to feel the end of our nursing relationship on the day Basti did not ask to nurse for 12 hours. 12 hours became 20, 20 became 24. And then just a few days ago, 24 hours became 2 days. Two. FREAKING. Days. I had to stop myself from asking Basti if he wanted to nurse. I wanted to ask him, no, BEG him to nurse, to become my little baby again, just so I could smell him, hold him, cuddle him and remind him that he’s my little itty-boy and he doesn’t have to grow up if he doesn’t want to.

But he is growing up as children do, and I am the bigger baby than Basti because I am such a SAP. So there I was a couple of days ago reading an email sent to me by Basti’s school. He’s entering nursery school in June and the email was just to outline the enrollment procedures and schedule; nothing major, nothing particularly inspirational, just your regular administration and principal stuff. But what did I do? Like an idiot, I was crying my eyes out. OVER A FREAKING ENROLLMENT PROCEDURE LETTER! Can you imagine me on the first day of school? At a PTC meeting? Moving up day? Prom Night? I’d be lucky if Basti still wants to be seen with me when he’s 13. I’m going to be the most embarrassing mother ever.

Do you guys want to know the last time I wore Basti in a sling? Well don’t ask, because I can’t tell you. I can’t remember. I haven’t worn Basti in weeks. My carriers, save for two, are all in storage now. I still keep a couple out just in case I hear the sweet words “Mama, carry Basti” again. My heart isn’t ready to give up babywearing my big boy even if my back is celebrating.

So because of all this mothering madness, I am choosing to focus, to channel, to regroup. I am choosing to focus on me.

I am choosing to focus on my passions, to channel my energy into things that make me happy in order to be a pleasant presence in Basti’s life. It’s also my way of getting to know myself again, after two years of virtually thinking of no one else but this little boy. The makeup kit is being revived, the heels are coming out, and there is finally a little room in my heart and my life for a bit of self-indulgence.

Basti is turning three years old next month, marking my 3 years of being a mother now and forever. This period is going to be like hard candy to me – sweet, jarring, awkward and irregular, seemingly unchanging and endless, until one significant crack makes the hardness go away. And then I’ll find myself holding hands not with a little boy, but with a tiny young man ready to take on the world and mark it with awesome. I hope he’ll still let me hold his hand.

So forgive me, readers, friends and stray-Google-search passerbys, if the Mommy is becoming a Mom-Me. It’s the most I can do to keep my wailing at bay. We have to brace ourselves for more Madness. Our kids may be growing up, but they’ll turn into babies when they need us to be their mommies. Let’s look amazing while we do it, shall we?

22 thoughts on “Beauty Instead of Madness”

  1. Ely! :) I can totally relate to you. That drama moment came to me when I found out last year that Lyndel had been potty training himself and I didn’t know because I was working long work weeks :( I almost quit my job instantly when I found out. Nowadays, I am also seeing myself updating (and using) my makeup kit again. So yun pala ang explanation, I recognize it now. Our little boys are turning into young men! Now I wanna go home. Now na!

  2. “I am choosing to focus on my passions, to channel my energy into things that make me happy in order to be a pleasant presence in Bastiโ€™s life. Itโ€™s also my way of getting to know myself again…”
    I have to heed your words, Eli! Let’s go and make things happen… for US! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I really like how you write!
    (I miss nursing M too! It was cut too short out of exhaustion and major weight-loss #guilttrippingako)

  3. “I am choosing to focus on my passions, to channel my energy into things that make me happy in order to be a pleasant presence in Bastiโ€™s life. Itโ€™s also my way of getting to know myself again…”
    I will heed your words Eli… let’s go make things happen… for US! Ang hirap to let go of our babies no? :(
    Guilt-trip din ako minsan coz I did not wean M properly out of exhaustion and major weight-loss.
    Now, it’s your turn naman to pamper yourself. :)

  4. Eli, I can imagine myself weeping over sending my little one to school. The selfish me is toying on the idea of homeschooling just so I can have my little girl all by myself haha…

    1. Now there’s a thought. Andddd, it’s gone. Haha! Iiyak na lang ako rather than mag-iyakan kaming dalawa sa house out of frustration!!! I salute all homeschooling moms! Kulang ako ng extra patience, baka extra rice lang ang gawin ko!

  5. Got teary-eyed, too! Met you in one babywearing meet. I have been tandem nursing for the past 6 mos (2.5 years old & 6-mo-old now). And although it’s pretty hard plus I get stared at or questioned as to why am doing it, I am still not ready to wean my eldest daughter. Reading this made me realize that even more. :)

  6. Eli! super tight *hugs* to you!!! Ive been through 2 weanings in the past, and yes, it is kinda like how you’ve described it – until you conceive the new baby & its rejoicing once more. hahaha! So what am i saying? A NEW BABY might be a good answer ๐Ÿ˜‰ *wink*

    But just the same, stay fab! and kikay (and dont stop sharing all your tips & beauty what-nots with us) bec. life wont be as fun without those make-up stuffs that are making us giddy with happiness. Yes we need to get in touch with our inner divas. Otherwise life will be boring. You know what I mean :)

    wait, potty-trained na rin ba si Basti?

    1. High five, my fellow beauty addict! Haha! Ituloy ang pagpapaganda!

      And no, he’s not potty-trained yet! That’s my summer project!

  7. I feel tightness in my chest as I read this. Remember I wrote you about weaning?Welllll, I’ve been too chicken to do it, I don’tknow what I’ll do if she weans herself. Imight take on a new hobby or I’ll be crying my eyes out! So go on write about your new passion, divertion is a good thing.
    I enjoy anything you write anyway, you tickle my funny bone witth your witty comments. Though this time I feel a hard tug in my heart.

  8. so nice to see you’re enjoying your new Mom-me time. makeup is truly empowering so i wish you all the luck in that area! next up is the bring back that sexy body mommy time!! another inspiring area… soon. haha :)

  9. Congratulations on your graduation Eliza :) Can’t wait to hear about your Mom-ME adventures. I feel like I’m that character Rob Schneider played in “50 First Dates”, the one who has 6 kids – I’m going to live vicariously through your stories now :) Good luck!

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