I’m exhausted. Sebastian Alexander went topsy-turvy and exchanged night for day and didn’t allow me to sleep a wink all night. It’s hot, and I’m sweaty, sore from nursing, and I stink of stale breastmilk. My hair has not been combed and I’m wearing stained clothes from lactating. My vain self is crying. Not the best days for camwhoring.
I am a mere shadow of my former self. That realization jarringly came to me on our first day home from the hospital and was something I had to deal with lots of tears and coming to terms. Unknown to a lot of people, there was a time when I didn’t want kids. My reason being, that I thought I was too selfish and self-indulgent to want a child. I know now that there is a part of me that is too selfish and self-indulgent and I had to say goodbye to that when I delivered Basti.
I don’t have any regrets. In fact, I’m very thankful that I had my child now. Some people have expressed their shock that I chose to have a child so late in life (exagg though, I’m only 35. Again, “may edad” na naman ang mga taong ito). I’m glad though that Basti came now instead of earlier.
For those who don’t know me, this was what I used to do:
I would cartwheel around the world.
Hike lengths to see Mt. Everest up close.
Drag a backpack through Tibet.
Play with children all day long as a career.
These days, only one child matters.
I have no regrets, but I do miss one thing the most.
I miss being a wife to my husband. It seems like my whole life revolves around being a mother. He understands, of course. Even though we’re together all day in the house, I miss Orley so much. I can’t wait till we can go out on a date again.
For some people, having a child at 35 is a bit too late. For me, it’s the perfect time. I lived my single life to the hilt and there was no better time to settle down than when Orley and I got married.
I believe I will get some semblance of my old life back. I believe I will look the way I used to again. And I believe the real me, not this tired, messy woman with mom-hair, is still inside somewhere.